Chemo is a brutal slog.

This is very different than a couple years ago when I was on EOX or even when I was just on EO. Different side effects completely. But there is something that is the same. There is this underlying mechanical feeling I get, like I have some sort of machinery operating inside of me. On the EO it sometimes felt very jarring. It effected my joints, my jaw, my head and they felt cramped and creaky. I also felt an intermittent buzzing in my body, like waves of electricity. There are times when I’m cold that I can still feel the feeling inside my face and jaw. It’s so weird.

This time it’s different and I feel it in my trunk mostly. Sometimes it is buzzing, sometimes it is jabbing, it is definitely grumbly, but there is something about it that feels mechanical. Weird. Certain days I’m definitely nauseous but it is quite manageable with mild soup or broth and saltines. I also find myself sucking on hard candies or chewing gum. It’s manageable. 

Our first nurse spoke the truth when she said that day 3 and day 4 would be the worst days in the cycle. That has been true after each of the two treatments I’ve had. Day 3 was Sunday and I don’t really remember if I did anything that day but I know that on Monday I did not. I made my way around the house finding different cozy spots for variety. I listened to Tara Brach. I started watching The Crown on Netflix (love it!!). I’m listening to chapters from an audiobook I’ve already heard, so I don’t have to really listen, I can just relax and let my brain rest.

Now it is day 6 and I feel so much better. Took the pup for a 40 minute stroll on the flat lands of our neighborhood and we were both quite satisfied with that walk. It felt good to feel good enough to enjoy that time. My blood count is low so I am staying away from most people. The kids classroom has a terrible flu going around, so we did not get together Monday.  I would not have been good for anything even if they didn’t have all those germs. I find myself texting them randomly with more and more things to “wipe down” on a daily basis, how to sanitize the little bits and pieces in their classroom, and what supplements they should take to stay healthy! I remember how awful it was to be sick during chemo last time and I have no intention or repeating that chapter! And, of course, I just don’t want them to get sick for their own sakes!

I did get a visit in with Lizzie and June for a bit this afternoon. It was like a salve to do a few puzzles and play with June and visit with Lizzie. They are getting ready to leave for an extended period of time, renting their house out, even! So, I'm wanting to spend parts of my good days with a little 3 year old energy. But, I have to admit, she wore me out, even after just a short visit with her momma here the whole time. I'm not myself, that is proof!

I head back in for the third infusion tomorrow, a day early because I hope to make it to a semi-private  MELT class with my friend Roz on Friday…fingers crossed…day 2 isn’t usually too bad. The description of the class sounds lovely, though I’ve reserved the right to nap! That will put Monday on day 5, a day I can cook for the family, which really feeds my soul. 

Tomorrow I get the taxol and ceramza. I can’t yet tell the differences in how I feel when I have just the taxol and when I have both. I’ll probably notice it more this time round. 

I have to be just a little political here. I am in the camp that will not stay quiet and legitimize this man. If he had selected good people for his cabinet, if he was truth telling, if he was working to unite,  if he was signing actions to help the people of this country, well I would try to give the guy a chance. But his selfish agenda is quite clear to anyone willing to look. I want to look away and hope for the best and most of my life that has been my political strategy. But this is so blatant and so wrong and there is so much damage he can inflict. I will not turn this into a political blog but I’m using my cancer card here in hopes if you are on the fence or if you have been ignoring the vitriolic politics you will read this and think about it a little more. My goal is to make calls, send letters and if I’m well enough to join in the action rather than just share and like on FB. I’ll continue to do that a bit, but that is not the action needed to move this mountain. Thank you. And thank you for the pics from Saturday. It really was an amazing day. It really is a powerful movement. 

We are all hanging in here; hoping for the best possible outcome, or at least a really good outcome. 

Again, I have to thank you all for your help in holding up this boat, as I’ve said before, hope is heavy, messy and cumbersome at times. You all help ease that burden.

Love and Light

Janet