I was a little overwhelmed and no one would be surprised to hear I cried a bit. But I only cried a bit because I did not try to give some big ole speech. I think I said thank you, I hope I said thank you, but that was about the beginning and end of my speech. On the way home I was thinking about all the things I could have said…but I would never have made it through a speech. I cry easily.
I have been in a school almost every year for 55 years! But you know what is really shocking, I’ve only been in 8 schools in that entire time!
St. Elizabeth’s School (Kansas City, Mo.)
Bishop Hogan High School (KCMO)
George Peabody College for Teachers (Nashville, TN)
Trails West State School (teaching primary kids with autism KCMO)
University of Washington
Experimental Education Unit at UW (infants, preschool, kindergarten special education)
Lafayette Elementary (Seattle)
and finally Pathfinder.
I spent 9 years at St. Elizabeth’s, 10 years at the EEU and 4 or less at the other schools, except Pathfinder. I was at Pathfinder since Maggie was 4! She is 25 now! Wow! Pathfinder has been a huge part of my life in length and breadth. I’ve spent 1/3 of my life as a Pathfinder K-1 teacher. It really is a part of my identity.
One of Pathfinder’s strong suits is its respect for the power of rituals, routines and traditions. In the old days, when it was still a small school, we were able to create and maintain many meaningful rituals and traditions. As the district mandated more and more of what we HAD to do, we were able to choose less and less for ourselves, and at the same time we grew and grew and grew, we lost some of our traditions, others were adapted.
One of our traditions was to purchase and gift a special Pendleton Blanket when a staff member would leave. We would pick it out, just for them, and gift it in a ceremony with the entire school. As our school grew and more and more people came and went it was clear we could not maintain that tradition. But, when someone had been around for a while, was deeply rooted in the community, had put in their time, us old timers would pitch in and buy them a blanket and present it in a small more private ceremony. I was presented with a beautiful blanket at my party. Ami (the absolute best 8th grade LA teacher in Seattle, hands down, no debate) picked out an extremely special blanket for me. I was so moved when I read about the symbolism held in the blanket. Here is a section of the description:
The gift of a feather is a gift of honor. It is a tribute to the courage of the recipient. Throughout Native American cultures, feathers represent strength, wisdom and a connection with the Creator.
The feather circle on this blanket represents the courage to overcome in the face of struggle. Whatever the future brings, the feather circle encourages the owner of the blanket to face life with strength and hope.
Wow, Ami, I am honored and moved by the words and the sentiments and that you would pick the Honoring Robe for me.
Thank you Pathfinder for all you have done for me. Pathfinder has had a tremendous influence on me. I grew up to be a better parent, a better teacher, a better person because of the people in the community and my experiences along the way.
I needed that gathering, not because I feel retired, I’m really not ready to claim that, yet. But because I needed closure on a very important chapter in my life.
Next chapter…I have no idea and that is ok!
After I was diagnosed with cancer and realized I could not return to work the fall of 2014 I decided to look for a sub rather than just quite and give up my job. I asked a young brand new teacher I knew to take my place. Jessica had gone to school and was a friend of Maggie and Michael. Her brother, Brody, was also their friend. Jessica had subbed for me a few times in the previous spring after she finished her student teaching. Jessica subbed for me that entire year.
The next year, 15-16 I was able to go back to work and Jessica ended up getting a job at the school listed above as number 7. Actually she got a job teaching kindergarten in the very same room where I had taught kindergarten at Lafayette. Isn’t that so weird? The only classrooms she has taught in are the same ones I have occupied! Freaky! Anyway, she is there again this year, her third year teaching kindergarten. The past two weeks I joined her class for math at 11 on Thursdays. It has been a hoot to be around a class of 5 year olds again. They are adorable, and so very busy, of course! I have had a couple of beautiful moments that fill me up. For example, I was helping this one cutie pie with a task that involved many small pieces of paper. He was unorganized and frustrated and said, “I’ll never finish this!” We processed how he might organize his work differently, we did that together, then he saw he was nearly done with the task and lit up! We talked about what had changed his feelings from frustration to success. Maybe he’ll remember that next time, maybe he won’t, but for those few minutes he was feeling successful and in control of his situation. All the kids at his table shared in this exchange. This is one of the kinds of experiences that feeds my soul! This experience is helping me figure out what my next chapter might be.
Speaking of next chapters…
First I need to finish this chapter; my Keytruda chapter. Last Tuesday I had my 6th Keytruda infusion. I saw Dr. Kaplan and he said he thought I looked healthier than I’ve looked in the 2 years he’s known me. I think “retirement” has something to do with that!
My next step is a scan the first week of January. We know nothing about how we will proceed until we see that scan. I have no idea what the cancer is doing. I have no idea if the Keytruda has been effective. I have no idea what the future holds.
There is a funny feeling of freedom that comes from this unknown. It’s hard to explain. I think it really does have some influence on helping me focus on this day and this moment. I’m not very caught up in the what ifs and the maybes because I just have no data, no evidence, no idea what the future might hold. None of us do, obviously. But, somehow, in this situation I think it is heightened. I have this freedom to live these days and just these days. I have today through January 4th, that is what I have, that is all I have. So, I’ll take that! Then on January 5th, I’ll start to figure out the rest.
I am not naive...I know that the closer I get to January 5th, the more anxiety I will have. Right now, I am fine. My anxiety is at bay and I appreciate that. When it starts creeping in, probably about the same time I am turning 61 (yikes!!), I'll deal with it. But now I am good. Now is all we have, right?
And the good news…there is still no pain. NO PAIN. I am so grateful for no pain. I have been going to yoga two times a week, pilates once a week, I usually have a PT appointment as my shoulder is still a little out of whack. I’m walking Wilson when there is not a freezing, pelting or torrential rain. And when the rains show up I go downstairs on the treadmill and the rower. We are eating pretty healthy in spite of the holiday goodies starting to show up here and there. I am feeling straight and even, thanks to my PT. I am feeling strong and resilient. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am also realistic. And, I am pain free!!
I hope you are enjoying this December and this holiday season. I hope you are warm and with people who you love.
Me and Mike and Michael and Maggie wish you all peace and love this season and into the new year. We so appreciate the support we receive from you. You hold us up and help us through and we wouldn’t be this strong without your support.
Love and light to you and yours
From me and mine
Janet
Here is a photo of my Honoring Robe
PS I've mentioned Tara Brach in this blog before. I'm finding her podcasts to be very powerful and relevant for me in my personal battle against cancer as well as how to think about the political battle that is going on these days. I highly recommend her podcast. I listened to one this morning that hit the spot:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?mt=2
or subscribe to her podcast and look for the one titled Spiritual Reparenting 12-7-2016
Don't let the title turn you off, she has some powerful thoughts, messages, ideas...powerful and healing.
