Post Endoscopy Rest Day

I was scheduled for an endoscopy today and earlier in the week I emailed the scheduler guy and used the word beseech and used the term deep dark pain and I got my endoscopy moved up one day. So, I had it yesterday. I’m so glad it is over with!

An endoscopy does not have to hurt, they don’t always hurt, sometimes they do. My first one was when I was admitted to the emergency room that day in late June 2014 when this nightmare began. That one did not hurt, as I recall.  What they saw in that endoscopy is what gave them pause, caused them worry and they proceeded with a second endoscopy which included some biopsies. That one hurt like hell. That is the test that made me feel like they were moving box cars inside my chest, I remember, while under sedation, grabbing at my chest and yelling at them to stop.

So, to say the least, I was not looking forward to yesterday’s test. I made it clear that I wanted the extra double dose of whatever they were serving up. I was worried about pain because the pain I’ve been feeling, when it is at it’s worst, is exactly where I remember the boxcars were being moved around. It is in the direct line of the endoscopy. Also, I’ve been on so many drugs, I know that I am acclimating to them and it takes more and more drugs to be effective against the pain. So, I made it clear. He said he would give me the maximum amount that he could give me while still keeping me alive and if he was worried I would stop breathing he would back off the meds. I agreed with that plan and down I went.

I still felt it. I remember repeating “It hurts! It hurts!” and I remember them saying, “You’re ok, you’re ok.” 

When Mike joined me in the recovery room I was still well drugged. I don't remember much but I know we talked to the doctor. (Dr. Brandabur, nice guy, the nurse said people wait months to see him, he looked a little like Kevin Bacon, totally looked like he was from the mid west and when he was a teenager he would hang out at the quarry…you know the look? That was my doctor yesterday.) But, I can’t remember much. I know he took a couple of biopsies, I’m not sure if they were from my stomach or from my esophagus or from where, but it  can take up to a week to get the results back. 

I still have not heard from Dr. Kaplan today, I’ll give him a call a little later if I don’t hear from him.

I called Paul (from the Y 90 episode) the other day to talk to him about the pain. He mentioned nerve pain and the more I think about it, talk to others and google it, the more I think that might be what is going on here. I know some nerve pain shows up in MRIs and nothing showed up in my MRI. But that does not mean there isn’t nerve pain. It just means no nerve pain was detected that day. I don’t know much about nerve pain, but I might be finding out soon…I’ll let you know!

I have a little time today and I’ve been wanting to blog about Mark Nepo, again. He is a poet, philosopher type and the book I have by him was given to me by my friend Janelle, from work: The Book of Awakening. I've quoted him in this blog before. This book stops me in my tracks on a regular basis. There are so many days I read the passage for the day and think, “YES, that is just what I was thinking about!” or “YES! That is just what I needed to hear.”  Sometimes I mark the pages to go back and read them again or pages I want to mention here.

For instance, my last day of work officially, was May 2. Here is what I read on May 1:

Burying and Planting

The culmination of one love, one dream, 

one self, is the anonymous seed of the next.

There is very little difference between burying and planting. For often, we need to

 put dead things to rest, so that new life can grow. 

And further, the thing put to rest—whether it be a loved one, a dream, or a false way of seeing—becomes the fertilizer for the life about to form.

Well I definitely felt a part of me was about to be buried. I needed to hear and begin to believe that it could be the fertilizer for something new. He goes on a little farther down the page…

There is always grief for what is lost and always surprise at what is to be born. But much of our pain in living comes from wearing a dead and useless skin, refusing to put it to rest, or from burying such things with the intent of hiding them rather than relinquishing them. ...We live, embrace, and put to rest our dearest things, including how we see ourselves, so we can resurrect our lives anew.

Well, OK Mr. Smarty Pants Mark Nepo…I guess you are talking to me again. He helped me let go of that job in a healthy way (or at least I’m on the path of that process) instead of continuing to feel such anger and pain about how it came to be.

I could go on and on, but I see by my internal clock that it is time for a nap! Wilson is waiting for me…

I hope you all have a good weekend and if your weather is as glorious as ours, I know you are enjoying it!

I will let you know when I learn something. In the meantime…

love to you all

Janet