It feels like a weight has been lifted, it feels like a wall is coming down.

I am finally getting over the final side effects of the Xeloda, though I took my last pill on February, 23. This time instead of burning my gut it burnt the inside of my mouth and tongue. As Dr. Standish and her assistant Camille reminded me, the tongue and mouth are an extension of the gut. It is all part of the same system. I think that must be why as soon as I told Dr. Kaplan that my mouth was on fire, he said I was done with the Xeloda. Dr. Kaplan prescribed a cortisone rinse for my mouth. Dr. Standish prescribed a glutamine rinse. I’ve been rinsing with both, 3 times a day each. Finally in the last 2 days I feel like my tongue is calming down. I am quite sure if I’d continued with Xeloda it would have continued to burn my system. Tata forever Xeloda!!

I saw Dr. Standish and Camille last Monday. I love seeing them. They are the doctors of hope and understanding.  Dr. Standish gets it, she just gets cancer. She asked how I was doing (a sure way to get me to start crying!!) and then she described it so perfectly. She said people with cancer want to feel normal but they can’t. They want to act normal but they don’t feel it. There is a wall. People with cancer on one side and people without cancer on the other side. That is precisely how I feel. When I’ve described in the past the feelings of panic and how I just want to flee…this is why. I’m trying to act and feel normal and it isn’t working.

I asked Dr. Standish if she’d had cancer, because it was such an accurate description. She has not, but many in her family have died of cancer and she works with cancer patients everyday. I am sure these feelings are not true for everyone with cancer. But it has been true for me.

When Dr. Kaplan said that he was looking for remission I started to feel the wall come down.

Tomorrow I have chemo. Mike is going to work and missing chemo for the first time. Betty is coming with me and we’ll have a grand time. I have some entertaining activities planned for her…I’ll tell you all about it later this week.

I hope you all enjoyed the rain yesterday as much as I did. I knew Seattle needed some rain (and if you say that in March in Seattle you know it’s been a dry winter!!) but I didn’t really know how badly I needed that rain! Nothing like a good deluge to wash away the smog.

Have a lovely week.

Love to you all!

Janet