Mystery Pain Returns
What a week! No word on treatment and I’m trying to do this and that, taking care of business, having some fun, trying to get it all in before I start back on treatment, not knowing what that treatment will bring me. It reminded me just a tiny bit of nesting, but without the joy, the cute little baby clothes and books and toys. But I’m getting everything ready so I’ll be ready for the unknown. Something is going to happen, it is going to be intense and I want to be ready.
Unfortunately, as the week progressed so did my pain. Most days I have been pain free (and I am ever so grateful for that!). But like clock work, about 2 hours after I fall asleep I wake with terrible pain, I have to get up and wander the house, try different positions, surfaces, meditation apps, until I wear myself out and can get control of myself, my breathing and then I fall asleep. I wake at 3 or 4 or even 5 am, without the pain, and get to go back into bed. By today, it had just taken its toll on me. I lost it this morning. Lost in worry and despair and pain. Mike held me and comforted me until I could get a grip. We went on a marijuana pain without high shopping mission, but honestly, I think if I want marijuana for pain management, I’m gonna have to get high. And I don’t want that. And I don’t feel like I have the luxury of time to figure out the right cbd/thc ratio for me. I need this pain to be gone today. I need a break.
This afternoon, I had about an hour of pain as bad as it’s been. I finally broke down and opened up the ole doctor bag o’tricks and took a tramadol. It’s a slippery slope. But I cannot cope with this level of pain, and I don’t want to be high, so, I’ll take a few pain pills to get through until I can see someone this week.
I’m feeling better already and I’m going to go out and join the pizza party. June has a friend over, another neighborhood little cutie pie, so they will be the real medicine that will make me feel better!
Again, thank you all for your texts and emails.
Jamie, Mike gave me your message and I will call you soon.
Love to you all
Janet
No pressure Aunt Janet. I don't want you to stress about that. Love you and I am thinking hard and telling the universe to take that damn pain away now!!!!!!! Leave my sweet Auntie J alone!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteZachary and I miss you and I hope that you get some relief from that pain and some answers about the path forward soon. Many gentle hugs and much love to you! Kathy
ReplyDeleteJanet-you are a Warrior. Your honesty is powerful as well as your willingness to manage that f---ing pain until you can't and then to approach it with gusto and realism. You didn't sign up for this but here it is and you and Mike are taking it on one step at a time. Your Dr's are doing their part as well. I love your story about "when I was little I would pray for intercession....." So selfless-even as a child! I will continue to pray for your pain relief, your healing and your spirits. You are strong.
ReplyDeleteDear Janet, I've been thinking of you and wondering how you've been doing sinc your last post. Just thinking about your pain made me take an involuntary, deep, healing breath. My heart is with you.
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