This morning, walking Wilson, thinking about hope and realizing how heavy it felt; how much energy it takes to keep hope up off the ground. But, I have to hold hope. Putting it down comes at a cost much bigger than not holding onto hope. I’m not sure of the entire cost, because every time I set it down for a minute it hurts. A physical emotional spiritual pain. So I am holding hope. Hope for the right treatment. Hope that I can start treatment soon. Hope that the treatment doesn’t cut me down too far. Hope that the treatment works. That is just the beginning of my hope list; no wonder it is so heavy.

I am hoping for the JC immunotherapy drug, but only if that is the right drug for me. When I was a little girl and I would pray to Mary and the Saints to intercede for me I always had to put a caveat in my prayers. I would pray hard and long for this or that, but only if it did not do damage to others; only if it was the way things were supposed to turn out. I would not want my outcome at too great of an expense to others or if it was not supposed to BE that way.

So here, I hope and pray, ironically for a drug I’ve labeled the JC drug, but only if it is the right drug for me. 

My pain from the spring is coming back. It comes and goes, lightly or with a heavy hand; sometimes in the morning or during the day, mostly at night. My anxiety around the pain, after all I experienced in the spring, may be as bad as the pain itself. I think my body wants the cancer to go away. 

I know the fine folks at Dr. Kaplans are working on getting approval for Keytruda (JC’s meds) through my insurance and directly from the drug company. I guess it is just a matter of time until I hear from them. Is the waiting the hardest part? I don’t know

Thank you all for your kind comments and texts and emails and visits. I know I don’t have to hold up all this hope by myself. I know you are here with me.

With love and hope

Janet