A Gut-wrenching Decision

My Last Day

Lots and Lots of Hard Work

2nd Cancerversary

Now It Is Time To Play!

That is the summary of my life since my last post…

The last week of school I went into work a number of days, after the kids had left for the day to help clean up and pack up the classroom. I spoke with David about next year; we talked about the timing and the hiring process if I were to let the job go and many variables around this decision. It was clear to me that if I decided not to go back next year, the sooner I let the job go the better for them to be able to hire the right person for the job. There is a lot to this, I’ll spare you the details. I did not feel pressure from David but just asked myself…if my scan comes back looking good, what will I do?

I cried for hours and days and nights trying to make this decision. If my scan looks bad and I have to have treatment…that’s a no brainer, I’ll not go back. But if my scan looks good…what would I do? There was a part of me that wanted to dig in my heels, I’ve been at Pathfinder for 20 years and they can just wait until July. But really… could I make the decision now? If my scan looks good is going back to Kindergarten the best path for me as I continue to fight cancer and heal? There is just no way the answer to that can be yes. How could anyone, knowing all that Kindergarten and Pathfinder demand, think that going back to work full time in the fall would be my healing path? No one thinks that. No one thinks that. Not even me. I’m fortunate (to say the least) to have Mike’s insurance that I can jump onto. So, I decided I had to let the job go. I cried buckets making this decision. I still cry, but not as much, as I really have come to peace with this decision.

I made my final decision on Thursday, the day before the last day of school. Earlier in the week I had talked with my sub Anna and we agreed that I would come in the last day of school and teach along with her (well actually, if you know me, you know I had to take over…I’m very alpha in the classroom, and Anna was A-ok with that!). I didn’t tell anyone at school that day that I had decided to let my job go (except Anna, wanting her to apply for my job). You just don’t drop that bomb when there is so much else going on.

I had a great day! We wrapped the year up beautifully. I brought in black polished pebbles that I bought at True Value. They decorated little muslin pieces of cloth with sharpies, with calming designs and pictures, then picked out 4 pebbles and wrapped them up and tied them with a piece of yarn. After lunch, we opened up our pebble bags and did our 4 pebble meditations, from Thich Naht Hahn that we had practiced all year. It was truly lovely. I’ve heard back from a number of parents about their children wanting to meditate this summer or finding the pebbles under their pillow. I truly was filled up with them and their little selves and their huge egos. They filled me up that day. I could not have asked for a better last day of school.

On Monday I went in to continue cleaning and sorting, packing and tossing, recycling and recycling and recycling…I told David and my teacher friends that I was done. I was not coming back to the classroom. Guess what, I cried some more! Shocking, I know!

On Tuesday Jennifer came down from Bellingham to help me sort through things and she and Genya and I went to celebrate/commiserate/mourn/drown our sorrows at the new burger place in the junction by having cold pressed coffee shakes. Yes, that is right, cold pressed coffee shakes. Just what the doctor ordered. I spent all day Wednesday and Thursday in the classroom. And then Friday I worked all morning and  at noon Mike came in and loaded up my personal bits and pieces, books that actually belong to me or Michael and Maggie from their childhood, a couple of boxes for good will and off we went. Done and dusted. I had to leave notes here and there for the new teacher….I’ll be back to go through these drawers and Crissy is going to take care of these books and a few other bits like that, but for the most part…done. Then I cried some more. 

I think about the kids I would have had in my class next year. I can name at least 10 I would have hand picked, though I know Genya and I would have done some arm wrestling over a few of those, and it makes me sad to think of missing the chance to be their Kindergarten teacher. But my plan is to sub, primarily at  Pathfinder, but elsewhere in West Seattle, also, so I will get to see them, be with them. I’ll get to sub in the classrooms with some of my previous students, as well. It won’t be the same, not by a long shot, but I’ll get some good kid time, some good teacher time, time to read aloud and sing along and then I’ll get to go home and take care of myself and Mike. That sounds like a good plan. Who could argue?

It just so happened that through all of this decision making and work cleaning and packing my classroom I was also reliving milestones from 2 years back. June 28, 2014, Black Poop of Death Day (see my first blog post if this makes no sense and you want to know more). And Friday, as I’m packing up my last bits at Pathfinder, July 1, two years since the day I got the phone call and the diagnoses…stage 4 gastric cancer. To say it has been an emotional time is putting it mildly. It was brutal. But now, I’m on the other side of the cancerversary, the other side of the decision and I am at peace.

Now it is summer…time for play…oh, not yet…we spent the weekend cleaning up the yard and debris around the house prepping to get the house painted. And our generous and talented neighbor Scott the plumber spent hours working on our plumbing and Betty’s so there was lots of under sink work and clean up to be done! Oh my gosh…I’m not complaining, but I worked my ass off for days straight. Actually, I’m not complaining, I might be bragging…because now I can work hard, I’m off the couch and back at it! It feels good to regain some strength and stamina!

Now it’s summer…yes! On the 4th for July 11 of us went for a hike up near Mt. Index. A great 4 mile round trip, mostly flat with a lovely alpine lake for a picnic, kind of hike. Just my kind of hike! We had 2 and a half year old June-bug, mostly in Lizzie’s back pack, 7 year old Conor keeping up all the way there and back, chatting and entertaining us the whole way, Mike and Gillian, Maggie, Michael, Eva, Betty, Mike and me…11! It was cool and drizzly at times, but wonderful. It felt so good to be strong enough to be out and about in nature, reaping the benefits of the beauty of the Pacific NW. I am grateful and blessed.

Thank you to so many friends who let me cry and listened to me as I agonized over my decision. Thank you Mike for just letting me cry…so much…so often. You knew that was just what I needed. And thanks to all of you for your continued support. Our life was hijacked by cancer 2 years ago but we are still here…we are strong.

Love to you all

Janet