Chemo is a brutal slog.

This is very different than a couple years ago when I was on EOX or even when I was just on EO. Different side effects completely. But there is something that is the same. There is this underlying mechanical feeling I get, like I have some sort of machinery operating inside of me. On the EO it sometimes felt very jarring. It effected my joints, my jaw, my head and they felt cramped and creaky. I also felt an intermittent buzzing in my body, like waves of electricity. There are times when I’m cold that I can still feel the feeling inside my face and jaw. It’s so weird.

This time it’s different and I feel it in my trunk mostly. Sometimes it is buzzing, sometimes it is jabbing, it is definitely grumbly, but there is something about it that feels mechanical. Weird. Certain days I’m definitely nauseous but it is quite manageable with mild soup or broth and saltines. I also find myself sucking on hard candies or chewing gum. It’s manageable. 

Our first nurse spoke the truth when she said that day 3 and day 4 would be the worst days in the cycle. That has been true after each of the two treatments I’ve had. Day 3 was Sunday and I don’t really remember if I did anything that day but I know that on Monday I did not. I made my way around the house finding different cozy spots for variety. I listened to Tara Brach. I started watching The Crown on Netflix (love it!!). I’m listening to chapters from an audiobook I’ve already heard, so I don’t have to really listen, I can just relax and let my brain rest.

Now it is day 6 and I feel so much better. Took the pup for a 40 minute stroll on the flat lands of our neighborhood and we were both quite satisfied with that walk. It felt good to feel good enough to enjoy that time. My blood count is low so I am staying away from most people. The kids classroom has a terrible flu going around, so we did not get together Monday.  I would not have been good for anything even if they didn’t have all those germs. I find myself texting them randomly with more and more things to “wipe down” on a daily basis, how to sanitize the little bits and pieces in their classroom, and what supplements they should take to stay healthy! I remember how awful it was to be sick during chemo last time and I have no intention or repeating that chapter! And, of course, I just don’t want them to get sick for their own sakes!

I did get a visit in with Lizzie and June for a bit this afternoon. It was like a salve to do a few puzzles and play with June and visit with Lizzie. They are getting ready to leave for an extended period of time, renting their house out, even! So, I'm wanting to spend parts of my good days with a little 3 year old energy. But, I have to admit, she wore me out, even after just a short visit with her momma here the whole time. I'm not myself, that is proof!

I head back in for the third infusion tomorrow, a day early because I hope to make it to a semi-private  MELT class with my friend Roz on Friday…fingers crossed…day 2 isn’t usually too bad. The description of the class sounds lovely, though I’ve reserved the right to nap! That will put Monday on day 5, a day I can cook for the family, which really feeds my soul. 

Tomorrow I get the taxol and ceramza. I can’t yet tell the differences in how I feel when I have just the taxol and when I have both. I’ll probably notice it more this time round. 

I have to be just a little political here. I am in the camp that will not stay quiet and legitimize this man. If he had selected good people for his cabinet, if he was truth telling, if he was working to unite,  if he was signing actions to help the people of this country, well I would try to give the guy a chance. But his selfish agenda is quite clear to anyone willing to look. I want to look away and hope for the best and most of my life that has been my political strategy. But this is so blatant and so wrong and there is so much damage he can inflict. I will not turn this into a political blog but I’m using my cancer card here in hopes if you are on the fence or if you have been ignoring the vitriolic politics you will read this and think about it a little more. My goal is to make calls, send letters and if I’m well enough to join in the action rather than just share and like on FB. I’ll continue to do that a bit, but that is not the action needed to move this mountain. Thank you. And thank you for the pics from Saturday. It really was an amazing day. It really is a powerful movement. 

We are all hanging in here; hoping for the best possible outcome, or at least a really good outcome. 

Again, I have to thank you all for your help in holding up this boat, as I’ve said before, hope is heavy, messy and cumbersome at times. You all help ease that burden.

Love and Light

Janet

This Rain Is Perfect
I needed this rain.
It is a nice steady hard rain.

Just a quick note to let you all know I am feeling so much better already. I have more room in my chest to take a bigger breath. My liver still feels enlarged, but maybe just a little less. I am low energy, tired, but okay. I feel funky, punky and weird, but that is okay, too!

To feel better just 5 days into my first cycle is enough to fill me with a good deal of hope. And hope is like a really good drug, only better!

Thank you for your outpouring of support.
With love from all of us.
Janet

Greetings my friends.

We have been up and down and down and down and up again over the last week or so.

The short story; I was in despair, now I feel better. Here’s the longer version…

I received the scan report on my computer on Thursday morning. I had so much to do on Thursday that I just ignored it for the course of the day. I could not get derailed, I was on a mission. Mike was not going to be home until close to 8pm but by 5 or so, with my projects wrapped up, I opened the scan. I’m sure I blanched. I went absolutely numb. It was not good.

More and bigger tumors in my lungs and liver.

A tumor on one kidney.

Some growth on my pancreas.

Enlarging lymph nodes.

This was way more than I was ready to read.

The truth is I could feel all of this in my body. Over the last three weeks I have felt a swift decline in my health and energy. I could feel my lungs and liver expanding. I had increasing shortness of breath. I wanted all of that to be caused by anxiety and not cancer, but it was the cancer, seeming to have switched to turbo growth mode. I swear, the week before Christmas I felt as strong and healthy as I have in years. I’d been sprinting up our basement stairs, because I could, now I couldn’t walk them without being winded. It happened that fast. I have no idea how that happened. 

Thursday night was about as low as I’ve gotten. Betty was the first one up to bat. We cried and I told her things I needed to say. It was cathartic and loving but we were so sad. By the time Mike got home I was back to numb. I couldn’t even let myself feel my feelings. I felt like a reporter, removed from the emotion. That didn’t last long.

I’m so glad I did not get that report any sooner because we were off to see Dr. Kaplan Friday morning. And we really needed to talk to the doctor. I told him all the things I just told you, about the swift change in my vitality and energy, the turbo growth, how I thought I could literally feel my tumors on my liver. He poked around and said he could not feel individual tumors, but yes, everything was inflamed and angry. My back has been sore lately and that is from the tumors in my lungs and liver causing pressure against the nerves in my back. But he had a mantra going, “Let’s go after it. Let’s get to it. Let’s get it out of there.” He also said, sometimes the fastest growing tumors respond the quickest to the chemo. I was so grateful and relieved when he said we would do just 2 three week sessions, then get a scan. This stuff grew fast and I want him to keep an eye on it. In the middle of the night I thought he was going to see how much the tumors had grown within just a week and throw me in the hospital for…well I don’t know what! But I packed a hospital bag just in case. No hospital for me this time (thank all that is good).

We headed to the infusion center and Lindsay, our nurse was so very, very kind, thoughtful and instructional. They always start with some sodium to get the line ready, then I had a good dose of steroids, followed by a lovely dose of benadryl which made me feel nice and loopy for about 5 minutes. Next came the cyramza and finally the taxol. Early in the process Lindsay brought us a printout on each drug and talked us through in a detailed way, how they work, what I need to do to take care of myself and what symptoms to watch for and which ones need what action. She was very thorough and detailed. So helpful!

Cyramza is somewhat new. It is a biotherapy. It is a monoclonal antibody, Vascular Endothelial Growth Factor Receptor 2 Inhibitor. Well, that clears that up, right?

This is how she explained it to us. If you considered your own immune system native, maybe Americans, calling in cyramza is like calling in foreign troops to help. I called it the French Foreign Legion. She said, sure! Where the keytruda went around showing my immune system where the cancer was hiding (or in my case did not do this????) cyramza is bringing in more troops for the fight. It does more than that, though. I think it also blocks blood flow to the cancer cells and knows to go after cancer cells (at least that is what my notes say, not sure I entirely understand this one yet).

Taxol, like I said before, has been around for awhile. It’s chemo. They watch you very carefully on your first go at taxol, not because of the taxol but because of the base that it is mixed in. Some people have allergic reactions to the base and they need to stop the infusion immediately. If that is the case, the docs then go grovel to the insurance companies to get the more expensive version of the drug in a different base. I did fine. No reaction. Taxol can cause mouth sores and one strategy is to eat chipped ice or popsicles during the infusion to keep those pores closed off and less vulnerable to the chemo. I am not a fan of ice chips or popsicles, but they had yummy coconut and lime, I had 2 lime and one coconut during the infusion. More popsicles than I’ve had in the last 20 years!!

Lindsay talked to us about my immune system which will be more vulnerable. She said day 3 and day 4 of my week will be my most vulnerable points. If I go out those days I should wear a mask. I should be avoiding sick people. That is really difficult this time of year! I think I’m just going to hunker down for a while. It’s cold. I’m okay with that plan.

The whole process, from blood draw, through the visit with Dr. Kaplan and then the infusion took us 5 hours! But in the end, I really felt ok going home. I don’t have that horrible reaction to anything cold like my old chemo created. I wasn’t feeling buzzed or electric like I used to after chemo. I felt ok. Okay. So far so good. 

Saturday afternoon we had plans for the kids to come over for the Seahawks game. We ended up recording the game and starting it a little late because we had to get them up to speed with my health news. Not my favorite thing to do…tell my kids how much my cancer has grown. I was thorough, honest and up front but did not dance around in the specific numbers. The general story is enough details. It was difficult to say, we were sad, but the truth is by that time, noon on Saturday, less than 24 hours since my infusion, I was already feeling better. I could take a bigger breathe. I felt less pressure in my lungs and liver. I swear. It is working that quickly. On Thursday evening I was in despair. Now Saturday afternoon and I’m already feeling so much better. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat, probably more slowly.

I have had one of those giant kabocha squashes in the kitchen (the yummiest of the winter squashes in my opinion) for a couple of weeks and I had my mind set on making it into my favorite chili for the game. So on Saturday morning I did! I can’t believe I felt good enough to tackle that squash! Those things are a bear!  I made a large batch of chili starter then divided it in 2 parts: one part vegetarian with beans, one part meat and no beans for the whole 30. Or you could add a little of each to your bowl…all needs met! It worked! One squash with everyone happy, and indeed that kabocha squash is king.

In the middle of chili fixing Lizzie and Vince and June came over to visit. I was really wanting a good dose of June before I got too far into this chemo or she gets sick. So they stayed for a bit and then Lizzie and Vince went home and June stayed and made herself at home. I was making chili, Mike was working on the bathroom sink and she was happy coloring on the chalk wall and playing go to sleep and wake up about 14 times! That girl gets some of the credit for healing my heart! 

 All in all, day one after chemo was a good day. I had small bits of nausea and some general funky feeling, but not bad!  Unfortunately the Seahawks did not pick up their end of the bargain. Oh well, Mariners are just around the corner (I am not a sports fan, I just live among them and know how to fake it and survive!). 

Now it is Sunday morning and I continue to feel better. I’ve been up and down the stairs a couple of times and it’s easier than it was last week. I feel less pressure in my body. I can breathe easier. I'm just going to take it easy today. No June, no cooking projects, today is a breathing day.

I have other health news, good news, that got overshadowed by this cancer. Last Friday I had my annual echocardiogram and appointment with Dr. Mignone. I started with the echo and had a lovely technician named Jonathan. He was quite dear. I’d had my scan by then but not seen the report. I knew there was more cancer but had no details. So I told him I understand that they are restricted in what they can say, but if he saw any tumors and could point them out to me, I’d really appreciate it. He was also going to be looking at blood flow in my liver, so I explained about the coils and said I would love to see those!

When he was scanning my liver he told my what a healthy liver would look like on the screen and showed me the things that told him there was trouble on my liver. He said, of course normally he would notify the doctor for follow up, but he knew he wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know. I really appreciated that. We did not see the coils…grrr…those coils!!!

When I saw Dr. Mignone after the scan he was able to give me the good news about my heart. When I first had heart failure my ejection fraction (how hard a heart can squeeze) was down to 35% which put me in the advanced heart failure category (everyone agrees heart failure is a terrible label for this condition!!). After my cardio rehab and some time my EF moved up to 45%. Low normal is 50% so 45% is good! Normal is from 50% to maybe 75 or 80, not sure. But the good news is last week my EF was at 50%! My heart has healed! That felt good to hear. He informed me that the taxol is not necessarily hard on the heart and he (like most) are new to cyramza but he’ll be keeping an eye on me. He ordered some kind of test to be added to my blood draw to watch some aspect of my heart. He took me off of one of my BP medications! That feels like progress, people! One less pill to pop each day is a big thing! Having a normal heart squeeze, even low normal, that is amazing!

It is obvious this has been one full week for us. But along the way I have felt you all reaching out to us in different ways, sending love and support. We are receiving it and we thank you.

We are back on the hope-wagon and keep working towards health.

A shout out to anyone going to any of the Women’s Marches on Saturday. We were planning to go and with my immune system and everything else, we’re going to have to miss it. I would love to see pictures from any place in the country. And at some point along your march put me in your heart and carry me with you just a little while. I’ll be sending my heart out to you.

Thank you,

We love you.

We hold you in our hearts.

Janet

I don’t think I would ever say there is an upside to cancer, a bright side, a silver lining…that is far too generous to cancer. But I will say that in my experience when the going gets tough here, when we have less than good news, all y’all start stepping up. I won’t give cancer the credit…you all get the credit for that! Everyday since last Thursday we’ve had friends sending us love in so many different ways. Replies on the blog, texts, emails, treasures on the porch, meals and visits, offers for rides to chemo and help in any way. We are so grateful to you all. You are helping us hold up that big ole heavy mass of hope that we need so badly right now!

I still have not received the details of the scan and that is challenging me to stay focused on the facts we know. I’m having tweaks and creaks and general weird feelings inside me and I am working hard not to jump to worse case scenarios. It’s a constant challenge. I’m going back and forth between deep sadness and hopeful optimism. But I remain resolved to be the warrior that I need to be. And I can only do that with your help holding us up. Thank you, so very much.

On Saturday,  with the limited knowledge I have I went to see my superhero, Dr. Standish and her very dear student/assistant, Breanna. I emailed Dr. Standish after the scan to give her a heads up about what was going on. She was unsure from my email whether or not I was willing to go along with Dr. Kaplan’s plan or if I wanted to try a more alternative route. She immediately assured me that she thought his plan was a good one, she asked about the schedule and was pleased. She described the alternative route and told me it would cost about the same amount as a new car. I said I was glad she thought Dr. Kaplan’s plan was good ‘cause we can’t afford a new car right now! However…if it doesn’t work…a new car may be in order! But not going there yet! You really can only cross one bridge at a time. 

Dr. Standish is an amazing doctor, she cried with me and said she is here with me and she will get me through this. She talked about research she has done with taxol and cyramza. She reminded me that the taxol is from the Yew tree (I heard about that research years and years ago!!) and they continue to improve the synthetic version. She is putting me back on glutamine to try and avoid the peripheral neuropathy. She also spoke highly of the cyramza. She says her research showed that in breast cancer and another cancer (pancreatic?) the combination was boosted with the Turkey Tail Mushrooms so I’ll be keeping them in my daily routine. I’m going to see her every two weeks and she will help me manage the side effects. She has many tools, alternative and traditional medicines. I am so lucky to have her on my team. She always lifts my spirits and gives me more hope than I could ever muster on my own. She is also completely real and honest and open. She is a gift and I appreciate her care so much.

My inner circle, here at home, are champion troopers! They are with me 100% and support my decisions and pitch in extra with their time and energy. That includes, the kids and Eva and of course, Betty! But it also includes our next door neighbors, Lizzie and Vince and June. Do  you know what we did Friday night in 30 degree weather? Yes, you guessed right! We made pizza! Vinnie fired up the oven in the afternoon, I made dough, Lizzie made sauce, we all brought some other ingredients to add and we just went ahead and made pizza! Those are some good neighbors!

Now, we didn’t have pizza just in response to the cancer, it is also true that these guys are leaving town for awhile. Last year, Vince was gone a good part of the year, in Austin, leading the crew to build The Austin Bouldering Project. Now he and his crew are headed to Minneapolis for about 6 months to build the Minneapolis Bouldering Project. This time Lizzie and June are going to go with him. We will miss them terribly, June is such good medicine for me, but they’ll be back to make more pizza by summer!

By chance, on Friday, an old college buddy found me on FB, and you know one college buddy easily leads to two more! It is great reconnecting with my old Peabody friends! I love that you reached out to me Lynn and am so happy to be reconnected to Christine and Jean! xoxoxox

There are so many of you to thank! I think I would feel so isolated without this blog.

Nancy, thank you for keeping the KC folks informed, I know you are a faithful cousin follower and then send out alerts to the cousins and aunties. I also have high school friends, college friends, Mike’s school buddies, our work friends and sometimes their families, both our families and friends,  friends of the kids and their families, so many Pathfinder friends and families…I feel all of you sending your love and support to us. It helps, it really helps. You make it through all my words and come back for more.

I’m sending you love and light and courage for whatever struggles you encounter.

Janet

June wanted Betty to help her make a chicken and cheese pizza!
A girl with a plan!

Mike and Gino, yes, that is snow! Still left from New Year's Day!
BRRRRR!

Dr. Standish's office made a group mosaic also!!
Hanging in their office.

Emily!! I love my pizza socks! These arrived on my stoop on Friday, Pizza Day!!

Keytruda did not work for me.
When we saw Dr. Kaplan he had only seen the summary and talked with the scan folks briefly, so we don't know a lot of details, but the bottom line is the tumors are bigger. In both my lungs and liver the tumors have grown. I don't know yet if there are new tumors in other parts of my body.
The plan is to start treatment next Friday: taxol and cyramza.
I'll have taxol (a chemo that has been around for awhile) once a week for three weeks and then a week off.
I'll have cyramza week one and three of that cycle. They are both given by infusion through my port. For the first couple of weeks I'll have to take some steroids.
Dr. Kaplan says taxol is fairly well tolerated. I'll most likely have peripheral neuropathy. I will probably lose my hair and maybe have some rashes and mouth sores.
He says cyramza is most likely very well tolerated.
If you google cyramza it actually says gastric cancer, which most chemos and treatments never call it out specifically. It is less prevalent in the US so we hardly ever see drugs for this cancer specifically. "Luckily" (??????) it is quite prevalent in China and Japan so there is a lot of research out there.

Anyway...back to work.
I feel like it can't be as bad as xeloda...and I lived to tell that tale! So, I'm ready to shrink those tumors!
Thanks for your love and support
Janet

Happy New Year

I hope this year is already proving to be one of love and strength, peace and courage. 

I’ve realized my bucket list is more about “filling my bucket” than crossing things off a list. And nothing “fills my bucket” like spending time with my family and friends. There is nothing I would rather do and no where I would rather be than anywhere with Mike and the kids. We had many great moments over Christmas. Sometimes it was just the four of us and sometimes we were with family and friends (46 in all on Christmas Eve!!). I feel filled up with the love of my family and the time we spent together; what a gift and a treasure.

Last year I had tried to eliminate “stuff” under the tree and plan an event for us instead. We went to dinner at a tapas bar, went to see The Book Of Mormon and had a wonderful night! But, when Christmas morning arrived it was a little sad not to have more than one or two things to open. This year I planned another event before I remembered that we also had to have “stuff” to open. So we had an event AND stuff…not a lot of stuff…but stuff. Our event was last Wednesday afternoon. The six of us (me and Mike, Maggie, Michael, Eva and Betty) went to Seattle Mosaic Arts in Wallingford and each worked on a wedge of what will become a 16” diameter  outdoor table. It was fun to discuss and debate a theme and in the end, we each divided our wedge in half, like 2 pieces of pizza and used two different color themes for our pieces. We spent about 3 hours total at the mosaic studio, getting a lesson, making decisions and then diving in to the project. We then headed next door to Bizarro, a fabulous Italian restaurant for a fantastic meal. I have to say it was a great evening! Event night year 2 was a success! 

Betty surprised us at Christmas with a trip to Kalaloch for the New Year. We spent the last 2 days of 2016 and greeted the New Year at one of our favorite spots on the Washington coast. She had the kids in on the plan for 2 nights in a cabin with a woodstove, a kitchenette and room for 6 of us and the 2 dogs to sleep. We arrived in time to take a walk on the beach under a blue sky and watch a beautiful sunset. That first night the kids opted to head to the campsite and pitch a tent. On New Year’s Eve Gillian, Mike and Conor joined us and stayed in a room down the way. We had a great party New Year’s Eve with yummy soup and quesadillas, s’mores with marshmallows roasted in the wood stove, hot whiskey, games and puzzles and then a toast to the new year. That evening there was a big storm and the kids headed to the camp ground, took down their tent in a hail storm and cozied up in the cabin with us. New Year’s morning we had a fabulous breakfast in the lodge and then headed down the icy roads for home. What a great way to welcome the New Year, Thanks Betty!!

The bottom line, we’ve had lots of family time together. I really could not ask for more.

Well, ok, I’m gonna ask for more…now I’m going to ask for a good scan on Thursday. As far as I can tell everything inside of me is a-okay. But I would have said the same thing in June of 2014, the day before our world changed. Cancer is super sneaky that way. I expect good news, but there is a place in me that has to be ready for a different possibility. 

I’ve kept the anxiety at bay, for the most part, but it has seeped in through the cracks when I wasn’t looking. On more than one occasion I realized I was nauseous, and then identified it as anxiety. I’ve had some weird physical symptoms that I can’t really pinpoint and I have a feeling anxiety has something to do with those, too. I have a couple of Tara Brach podcasts that I’ve listened to more than once that really help me identify and manage those strong feelings. I’ve written about anxiety in the past, but I’ll repeat here, it is a beast. I plan to spend the better part of today and tomorrow balancing somewhere between keeping busy with things that need to get done and allowing myself to face the beast and curl up and cry just a little. This cold snap we are having suits me just fine! Time to hibernate, stay warm and take care of myself.

I hope you all do the same. 

Take care of yourselves.

Happy New Year
Love
Janet 

I can't resist posting some snapshots of our last two weeks...you can see why I'm so filled up!

I have been going to school almost every year since I was 5. That would have been 1961. That kind of blows my mind! Last weekend, my dear, dear Pathfinder teacher friends had a retirement party for me. I have to let semantics go; I do not feel like I retired. Retired sounds like an active choice and something you look forward to; people want to retire. I didn’t really want to stop working, I wasn’t ready to stop. I was stopped in my tracks by the side effects of cancer treatment. I was stopped by cancer. But, really, it is a matter of semantics. I do not have a paying job anymore. I am retired and I had a retirement party.

I was a little overwhelmed and no one would be surprised to hear I cried a bit. But I only cried a bit because I did not try to give some big ole speech. I think I said thank you, I hope I said thank you, but that was about the beginning and end of my speech. On the way home I was thinking about all the things I could have said…but I would never have made it through a speech. I cry easily.

I have been in a school almost every year for 55 years! But you know what is really shocking, I’ve only been in 8 schools in that entire time!
St. Elizabeth’s School (Kansas City, Mo.)
Bishop Hogan High School (KCMO)
George Peabody College for Teachers (Nashville, TN)
Trails West State School (teaching primary kids with autism KCMO)
University of Washington
Experimental Education Unit at UW (infants, preschool, kindergarten special education)
Lafayette Elementary (Seattle)
and finally Pathfinder.

I spent 9 years at St. Elizabeth’s, 10 years at the EEU and 4 or less at the other schools, except Pathfinder. I was at Pathfinder since Maggie was 4! She is 25 now! Wow! Pathfinder has been a huge part of my life in length and breadth. I’ve spent 1/3 of my life as a Pathfinder K-1 teacher. It really is a part of my identity.

One of Pathfinder’s strong suits is its respect for the power of rituals, routines and traditions. In the old days, when it was still a small school, we were able to create and maintain many meaningful rituals and traditions. As the district mandated more and more of what we HAD to do, we were able to choose less and less for ourselves, and at the same time we grew and grew and grew, we lost some of our traditions, others were adapted.

One of our traditions was to purchase and gift a special Pendleton Blanket when a staff member would leave. We would pick it out, just for them, and gift it in a ceremony with the entire school. As our school grew and more and more people came and went it was clear we could not maintain that tradition. But, when someone had been around for a while, was deeply rooted in the community, had put in their time, us old timers would pitch in and buy them a blanket and present it in a small more private ceremony. I was presented with a beautiful blanket at my party. Ami (the absolute best 8th grade LA teacher in Seattle, hands down, no debate) picked out an extremely special blanket for me. I was so moved when I read about the symbolism held in the blanket. Here is a section of the description:

The gift of a feather is a gift of honor. It is a tribute to the courage of the recipient. Throughout Native American cultures, feathers represent strength, wisdom and a connection with the Creator. 
The feather circle on this blanket represents the courage to overcome in the face of struggle. Whatever the future brings, the feather circle encourages the owner of the blanket to face life with strength and hope.

Wow, Ami, I am honored and moved by the words and the sentiments and that you would pick the Honoring Robe for me.
Thank you Pathfinder for all you have done for me. Pathfinder has had a tremendous influence on me. I grew up to be a better parent, a better teacher, a better person because of the people in the community and my experiences along the way.

I needed that gathering, not because I feel retired, I’m really not ready to claim that, yet. But because I needed closure on a very important chapter in my life.

Next chapter…I have no idea and that is ok!

After I was diagnosed with cancer and realized I could not return to work the fall of 2014 I decided to look for a sub rather than just quite and give up my job. I asked a young brand new teacher I knew to take my place. Jessica had gone to school and was a friend of Maggie and Michael. Her brother, Brody, was also their friend. Jessica had subbed for me a few times in the previous spring after she finished her student teaching. Jessica subbed for me that entire year.

The next year, 15-16 I was able to go back to work and Jessica ended up getting a job at the school listed above as number 7. Actually she got a job teaching kindergarten in the very same room where I had taught kindergarten at Lafayette. Isn’t that so weird? The only classrooms she has taught in are the same ones I have occupied! Freaky! Anyway, she is there again this year, her third year teaching kindergarten. The past two weeks I joined her class for math at 11 on Thursdays. It has been a hoot to be around a class of 5 year olds again. They are adorable, and so very busy, of course! I have had a couple of beautiful moments that fill me up. For example, I was helping this one cutie pie with a task that involved many small pieces of paper. He was unorganized and frustrated and said, “I’ll never finish this!” We processed how he might organize his work differently, we did that together, then he saw he was nearly done with the task and lit up! We talked about what had changed his feelings from frustration to success. Maybe he’ll remember that next time, maybe he won’t, but for those few minutes he was feeling successful and in control of his situation. All the kids at his table shared in this exchange. This is one of the kinds of experiences that feeds my soul! This experience is helping me figure out what my next chapter might be.


Speaking of next chapters…

First I need to finish this chapter; my Keytruda chapter. Last Tuesday I had my 6th Keytruda infusion. I saw Dr. Kaplan and he said he thought I looked healthier than I’ve looked in the 2 years he’s known me. I think “retirement” has something to do with that!
My next step is a scan the first week of January. We know nothing about how we will proceed until we see that scan. I have no idea what the cancer is doing. I have no idea if the Keytruda has been effective. I have no idea what the future holds.

There is a funny feeling of freedom that comes from this unknown. It’s hard to explain. I think it really does have some influence on helping me focus on this day and this moment. I’m not very caught up in the what ifs and the maybes because I just have no data, no evidence, no idea what the future might hold. None of us do, obviously. But, somehow, in this situation I think it is heightened. I have this freedom to live these days and just these days. I have today through January 4th, that is what I have, that is all I have. So, I’ll take that! Then on January 5th, I’ll start to figure out the rest.

I am not naive...I know that the closer I get to January 5th, the more anxiety I will have. Right now, I am fine. My anxiety is at bay and I appreciate that. When it starts creeping in, probably about the same time I am turning 61 (yikes!!), I'll deal with it. But now I am good. Now is all we have, right?

And the good news…there is still no pain. NO PAIN. I am so grateful for no pain. I have been going to yoga two times a week, pilates once a week, I usually have a PT appointment as my shoulder is still a little out of whack. I’m walking Wilson when there is not a freezing, pelting or torrential rain. And when the rains show up I go downstairs on the treadmill and the rower. We are eating pretty healthy in spite of the holiday goodies starting to show up here and there. I am feeling straight and even, thanks to my PT. I am feeling strong and resilient. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am also realistic. And, I am pain free!!

I hope you are enjoying this December and this holiday season. I hope you are warm and with people who you love.
Me and Mike and Michael and Maggie wish you all peace and love this season and into the new year. We so appreciate the support we receive from you. You hold us up and help us through and we wouldn’t be this strong without your support.

Love and light to you and yours
From me and mine
Janet

Here is a photo of my Honoring Robe

PS I've mentioned Tara Brach in this blog before. I'm finding her podcasts to be very powerful and relevant for me in my personal battle against cancer as well as how to think about the political battle that is going on these days. I highly recommend her podcast. I listened to one this morning that hit the spot:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?mt=2

or subscribe to her podcast and look for the one titled Spiritual Reparenting 12-7-2016

Don't let the title turn you off, she has some powerful thoughts, messages, ideas...powerful and healing.