dammit

it’s back

There is no nicer way to say it, really. 

There are actually many other ways to say it and I just deleted a bunch of them. Dammit is good enough for my blog. You can read between the lines.

Just 5 or 6 spots on the liver, scattered about.

Dr. K has not decided exactly the course of treatment, I just had the scan today, so I’m glad he is taking his time and looking into it.

but

what is for sure is I need to go back on leave and I’m just so sad to leave my kids.

I’m not sure when and for how long. I’m sure soon is part of the answer. The other thing I know is I will fight this off again, I just can’t do it and lead a normal life at the same time. That is mutually exclusive.

I have a 3 day weekend to cry with my family and drink wine and eat all the foods that are not salty that I love. Then I will go back to work for at least a week, maybe 2 if I’m lucky and then I will be ready to battle.

We know how to do this, we did it before, we’ll do it again.

Thank you all,

Janet

Happy New Year!

I hope this blog post finds you enjoying the new year.

We didn’t get a holiday card out this year, but if we had…this is what it would have looked like…

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

That is our family at the Pike Place Market on Christmas Eve, a tradition that we have kept yearly since Michael was a baby. We usually go with only a few tasty treats to buy for the holiday gatherings. We enjoy lunch together and the good vibe the Market has to offer. Back in the day the Market was nearly empty on Christmas Eve, that is not the case anymore. It is quite a busy spot the day before Christmas.

What a difference a year can make.  Last year we kept up our traditions and I made it to and through all the events, but looking back, oh my gosh, I was miserable and so scared. So afraid it was my last; my last 

Thanksgiving, my last Christmas, my last birthday and New Year’s Day. This year I feel like an ex con must feel…free! Freedom! I have felt so happy and light; giddy at times. My birthday, to me was the biggest difference. Last year, and I remember writing about this, I cried all day. I cried through dinner and cake and presents. This year I had a fabulous day. I woke up early and went to bed late, a few friends came over for coffee in the morning.  Maggie, Michael, Eva, Mike and Betty fixed me a fabulous dinner.  I enjoyed every second of the day. I feel like a different person. And now it is a new year; a cancer free year!

A Health Update

Here is what I know about heart failure:

They measure something called the ejection fraction which has something to do with how strong the heart squeezes. A “normal” ejection fraction is about 55%. With heart failure your ejection fraction does not improve quickly, if at all. It is not something that just changes over night.

When I had heart failure my ejection fraction was at 35% which is considered advanced heart failure. The first day of break I had an echocardiogram, it measured my ejection fraction at 45%! This is so much better than we would have expected this quickly. I have not seen my doc yet, and won’t get to until February, but the nurse that called me was very excited with this progress. I continue to take 3 heart meds, keep my sodium low and my fluids limited, and do a cardio routine 5-6 days a week. I guess it’s working! Cause for celebration!

I also had a fasting blood draw over break and all those numbers look good, too. Kidneys are at risk with the fluid/sodium balance being tricky and my kidneys look good. Everything else is ok, too! So…here I am, 2016; starting from a place of health!

January 15 I have my next scan to make sure that cancer is still at bay. I’ll be sure and post after we get the results. In the meantime, I’ll be taking many deep breaths, keeping the anxiety in check. 

We head back to school tomorrow. First graders in January are a little bit of a treat. All the work from the fall has had time to simmer and settle. They’ve missed each other and maybe even me, just a little bit. They are happy to be back and I’ll be happy to see them.

I hope you are well and ready to take on this new year.

Lots of love from me and my family!

Janet

Lunch at the Market

Lunch at the Market

After Book of Mormon

New Year's Eve

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Thank you Betty for the beautiful cake.

Greetings my friends,

I hope this post finds you at peace and in good health.

I am working at both finding and keeping both of those, myself. It is the focus of much of my time; staying calm and peaceful and in the moment and staying healthy.

I can report that I’ve made it through a solid 1/3 of the school year without catching a major cold…knock on wood. I take lots of supplements and at the first sign of a cold I double down on those. I felt like I was dodging the germs until the classic teacher move: catching something right at the start of break. Somehow our bodies know we have down time and have time to be sick. But I fought that one off, too! Kept taking all kinds of immune support capsules and tinctures, diffused essential oils, got extra sleep and I fought that right off in a couple of days.

Now I’m just working to balance my sodium and fluid levels every day. Life with heart failure is a slog! I feel sluggish much of the time and work to fight that feeling off. I’m using this break to get back into a good workout routine and hoping that makes me feel better overall.

Monday I went to see Dr. Standish and to potentially have my second Vitamin C infusion. As usual, she just made me feel better, just by her presence. She is healing and magical that way. She has me on heart supplements and has suggested some powerful immune support capsules to further my battle against the germs thrown at me by the 6 and 7 year olds. So far I have only gone in for one infusion, a couple of weeks ago. It left me feeling odd, grumpy, out of balance. I’m quite sure it has something to do with balancing my fluids and sodium. I was happy to have a chance to talk to her before getting another infusion. She decided infusions were not for me and has prescribed an oral dose of curcumin instead. The curcumin is a strong anti inflammatory and has been shown to inhibit the growth of cancer. I’m all for that! I was relieved to skip the infusion, I think it’s the right decision for me. Just as she was convinced I would get through the cancer, she is saying the same thing about my heart. My other doctors say that for most people, they are on the heart meds for the rest of their lives and that hearts don’t really completely heal from this. Well, I’ll not forget that, but I’m also not going to give up on the idea that I could be the exception to the rule.

I was not able to blog about my surprise trip to KC this month, for obvious reasons…it was a surprise! It was my mom’s birthday and I think it might have been right after the scan results I decided I needed to go to KC and see her, then it was just obvious that needed to be for her birthday. The surprise was a huge success! And in Gilroy style, it was doubled.

The plan was that both Kathy and I would surprise her; no Mickey or Mike, just the two of us. Well, the Gilroy’s don’t travel that way, I should have known and really could have predicted. When I got off the airport shuttle, it was Kathy, Mickey, Amy, Joe and Lucy! We all had a little time to spare and then off to Minskey’s to surprise Jane. She didn’t know any of us would be there. In fact, she thought she was just going to dinner with Jennifer and Matt and Kai. Jennifer got her into the back room at Minskey’s with a ruse about a friend of hers and it was filled with us! My three aunts were there as were many of my cousins, my brother, Paul and his two kids, Erica and Vince. Mom saw them and then Kathy and Mickey and said out loud, “Oh, I wish Janet could be here!” Then, my cousin Linda, sitting on my lap to cover me up popped up and mom and I had a good hug and cry, as you might imagine! It was a great whirlwind weekend and I am so glad I went. I had not seen Amy and Lucy since my diagnosis. Hadn’t seen anyone since my clear scan. My Aunt Rose Evelyn, who has been sick for  months is feeling better and was there. I got to see many of my fabulous KC cousins…I love them! It was fabulous! I’m trying to get to KC twice a year now, accomplished that for 2015! 

So, here we are just days before Christmas. We are gearing up to repeat our traditions; the market on Christmas Eve day, followed by the giant Oliver gathering at the Huget’s. The kids plan to stay the night and spend Christmas Day here at home, with us. It is surreal to look back and remember my life just one year ago. So, I’ll try to focus my energy on now, this year and celebrate knowing the darkest day of the year is passed and days are getting longer and lighter already.

Wishing you all light and peace this winter and holiday season.

Love to you all

Janet

Happy Thanksgiving 

I hope you are all having a great holiday weekend spent just the way you’d like. I’m taking some down time. I’ve relaxed more this weekend than I have in months, and it feels great!
We had our traditional Thanksgiving feast on Vashon Island this year, but it felt unlike any other Thanksgiving in my life. Last year, just one year ago, I was recovering from a chemo treatment, being tough and hanging in there to get through Thanksgiving. Thankful, of course for my family and support, but looking back…I was sick, really sick. The chemo was just awful.
Right now I’m pretty healthy. I’m taking heart meds for the damage the chemo did to my heart, but for the most part, I am healthy. Knock on wood…I’ve fought off all the little bugs the little buggers have thrown my way…knock on wood…not even a bad cold. Knock on wood! I’m staying strong!
Prior to the scan, I can now say, I was freaking out. The stress was unbelievable. I did not realize that the stress was primarily from the anticipation of the scan and the results. I was putting all the blame for the stress on my job. Don’t get me wrong; my job is too much work and a lot of stress, but after the release and the good news following the scan…my job stress seems quite manageable. And that is just what I am doing, at least trying to do, managing my stress.
Last week, the 3 days prior to Thanksgiving, I met with the parent or parents of each of my 26 students. It was a good deal of work to prepare and be up for each and every one of them, but it is always good to sit and talk and so very informative. Now I have 3 weeks until the winter holiday break. I have some new programs to implement between now and then, but my goal is to make this job more manageable so I don’t damage myself anymore with unnecessary stress. Yikes! It’s really just not very good for you.
This coming Tuesday I have an appointment with Dr. Standish, my naturopath for my first infusion. Honestly, I can’t remember exactly what I am getting infused with! I know there is Vitamin C, but there is one other thing and I’m not sure what it is…I’ll let you know. What I know is that it should help me feel stronger/healthier and is supposed to help keep the cancer from recurring. I’m all for that!I’m going to try it at least 2-3 times and see how I feel. It’s not cheap and is not covered by insurance, but between now and the end of the year it is what we’ll spend our remaining flex plan money on, so it works out pretty well for us.
People ask me if I “knew” the cancer was gone or if I’d hoped for this much. I don’t think I had the audacity to hope for this much. There was just too much at stake. What a serious disappointment it would have been; that would have just been a trench too deep to fall into if I’d hope for a clean scan. There is a fine line, a tight balance I had to walk between hope and fear. I guess I still walk it, if I stop to think about it. But mostly we are celebrating and living with this good news!
I’m appreciating this less dramatic lifestyle. No highs and lows of chemo and bad colds, high anxiety and cancer. I continue to cry, sometimes daily for a variety of reasons; mostly relief and gratitude, but anxiety and fear creep in now and then.
Wish me luck as I work on what so many of us work on, balancing life and work and managing stress. It’s a lifelong battle, is it not? I wish us all luck in that department. Breathe in, Breathe out!

Happy Sunday

With Love Janet

Celebrations!
Blessings!
Miracles!
There was no cancer on my scan. No cancer.
The site of the ablation is still angry and inflamed (though my liver numbers were happier than they've been in a year...meaning less inflammation) and there is a "spot" a "mark" a "bit" adjacent to the ablation site, which may just be more ablation site but the scan reader guy can't really tell for sure.
So, the plan is a PET scan in January and until then I have to make my job manageable if I want to keep working full time.

Now with this weight and stress lifted I will get through parent conferences then make my job manageable.

Blessings out to you all. Thanks for your part of my healing!
love to you all
Janet

Hello all,

No news is good news and I’ve had no news, or more precisely no time for news.

Here is a bullet point blog update:

*work work work work… I am working way too many hours each week. It’s not humane or sane. I am not complaining (not right now, mind you…I do complain plenty often!) I’m just stating facts. I am working too many hours. After conferences (the week of Thanksgiving) things should chill a bit and I am going to make myself work fewer hours. I remember last year saying I missed complaining about my job...well I get to do that again!! I've been officially full time since October 12, though Hillary has filled in for me a few times since then for appointments and professional development days. 

*My students are tricky, this is NOT an easy group. They are adorable and make me laugh out loud, but this is not an easy group of 26 first graders. I am working my ass off every day to stay positive and try to keep them focused and learning.

*I saw Dr. Mignone, and things are about the same with my heart. Healing heart failure is a long slow slog, that is what I have learned.

*I do a good hard cardio workout every Saturday and Sunday and then try to get in one more during the week. Mike and I are going to yoga on Monday nights and I have pilates class on Thursday. This is my other job…staying healthy so I can be prepared for what comes my way!

*The kids are great, both enjoying their jobs at APL, working hard and loving their students. They both have second jobs to make ends meet. Michael has started the process of applying for a job as a fire fighter. Maggie has applied for graduate programs at UW, Vanderbilt and maybe other spots; Early Childhood Special Education. Hmmm, that sounds familiar! Oh, right, that is what I did!

*Mike’s school year started off just as busy as it ended in June…too many high needs kids in the school district and not enough special programs for them all. It is frustrating, but important work. He is downstairs right now working on his lathe which is what he LOVES to do.

*Tuesday night is the Stomach Cancer Awareness Fundraiser I mentioned before. Here is a link if you are interested and able to come join us:

http://evite.me/Y9wxKMY29v

if the link does not work, contact me and I’ll get you the information

*Thursday is my scan. My school district dropped my insurance company as an option so starting Nov. 1, so I am on a new plan. That is always a scary thing; I’m not positive about the coverage until they start covering things. So, I’m not 100% certain they will cover a PET scan at this point, which is what the doctor has ordered. I’ll find out sometime this week, but it just adds an extra dose of anxiety to a highly anxious event.

So that is where we are, how we are, this rainy, rainy weekend prior to my scan.

I look forward to seeing some of you on Tuesday night and I'll let you know what we find out after our scan. We should find out the results late Thursday afternoon. Sending my love to you all and asking for all your positive energy, prayers and white lights. 

Stay warm and cozy!

Love,

Janet

Good morning…

I’ve been a little busy, to say the least! So blogging has been put on the back burner, but here are some notable updates.

I’ve been going to cardio rehab at Cherry Hill 2 or 3 times a week and learning a good deal about how to gradually strengthen my heart muscle safely and systematically. I talked about this a couple of posts ago and mentioned Cara, she continues to be my guide through these lessons. I love going to cardio rehab. I’ve never liked to sweat (and I still don’t) but if I have to, it’s nice to have such positive support and ongoing feedback during the workout. At this point, Cara is focusing more on teaching me the information I need to know to do this work on my own. I’ll be heading back to school full time soon, and will not have the luxury of a fully supported workout…I have to make myself DO IT and follow the guidelines so I continue to improve my heart function. I’ve purchased a Polar heart rate monitor and that is a huge help. During my workout I can track my heart rate and then work to keep it at my target rate and then monitor it as it returns to a resting heart rate. Cara is asking me for my plan, how I plan to continue this on my own, and I’ve told her. But the thing is, these workouts, just like my heart meds, are not optional. I’ve never felt like I’ve had to “exercise,” everyone should…I should…but this is different. This is non-negotiable. I’ll be sweating, I’ll be working to rebuild my heart muscle.

So, speaking of going back to work full time. Mike and I went to visit Dr. Kaplan last Monday. He was absolutely thrilled with how I looked and my energy and my report to him. He was even more thrilled (or at least as thrilled!) with the treat we brought him; a 1/2 gallon of his favorite ice cream (Tillamook Mudslide) along with napkins, bowls and spoons and the best part;  an ice cream scoop with a wooden handle turned by Mike. He loved it! I told him a year ago I was in the hospital, now I’m back to work…he gets ice cream!

We talked about back to work and of course, under the best of circumstances this job is difficult, exhausting, stress inducing and at times ridiculous…so yes, I’m tired, I’m exhausted…but that’s the job. I still love it and want to go full time. I would never choose to teach young kids for only 1/2 time. It is more work for everyone, including them (in my opinion). Though it has been lovely to drive away 1/2 way through the day and head up to cardio rehab…it’s not what I can sustain. That is my classroom, and my kids and I need to be there…all in.

So last week was 1/2 day every day. Next week is 1/2 day just Monday and Friday (and I’ll do my last 2 cardio rehabs). The following week would be my first full week but I have an appointment with Dr. Standish in the afternoon and she is so difficult to get into see, that I just cannot change it. I have not seen her in months, since before Ireland! So the week after next, other than appointments, I’m fully back! 

I’m finding at the end of the day my brain is scrambled. I feel near panic if I try to problem solve something that has happened during the day right after school. I freak a bit, panic. But if I can go home, walk the pup, get some fresh air and a little time, I can think about the issue and see it and possible solutions clearly! Hopefully I’ll be able to problem solve any time of day, but at least now I see the pattern and have a strategy that works. It means I have to bring my work home, everyday, which I have not had to do the past few years, so that is a shift, but I’m willing and able to make that shift.

The other challenge is email. OMG why in the hell is it that EveryTime I Open the Computer There Are 25 More Emails Waiting For Me????????? Ok, that is my big complaint. Last October, I said I missed bitching about my job…see how much fun that was! I do love bitching about my job :)!

The week after next we see Dr. Mignone. I imagine there will be no big news…my heart is getting stronger…keep up the good work…it will take time for it to come back…it won’t ever come back 100%…but it will come back strong…keep working…keep taking the meds. I think that will be the short story, maybe some tweaks in the meds.

Then November 12 I have my scan. That is the mystery date. I have no idea what to expect; no idea. In my mind I’ll be going to a rodeo (that is a reading workshop teacher assessment inside joke)…In my mind the cancer could be GONE…none there…completely missing…that is the dream…but of course I have no idea. No sense in putting the other scenarios in writing, it’s not worth the energy to go there. So I try not to. 

I’m working to live these days fully. Fully engaged with these kiddos and my people and friends. We are all here now, and that is the important part.

Michael and Maggie are working hard at APL teaching and supporting kids who are highly impacted by their autism. It is  hard and emotionally/physically draining work, but they love it. Maggie works individually with kids after school and on the weekend to supplement her income (and because she loves the work). Michael is working on picking up a part time job, he has an on the job interview today.
Eva is settling into her new job. We all went out to dinner on Thursday to celebrate Eva’s birthday. I love having the kids in Seattle!

Mike is working hard in Renton, working with the teachers and the kids struggling with their emotions and their behaviors. He continues to be my rock and my hero. He is so supportive and having to do so many more things around here as I have to let things go. We started taking a yoga class on Monday evenings…that is nice.

I am taking baby steps back out into the world…dinner with friends…last week with the Sherwoods and the Blacks, last night with Betty and Mike and Gillian and Conor. Sometimes things feel normal. Sometimes I feel normal; I have hair, that helps. I feel like every cell in my body has shed the poison that was chemo (except maybe those brain cells that get scrambled by the end of the day). I’m at work everyday!

So, with that…I’ll sign off on this blog for a while. I may post if there are any major events/news in our family, but I plan to leave things be until mid November…when we face the big unknown…I’ll be sure to fill you in afterwards.

I just have to thank Kathy for all my immune support goodies you sent. And thank you Betty for soup in the freezer and friendship through all, and thanks Roz for all our lunches at Chaco Canyon and your love and support, and to Gaby and Charlene, my “stomach cancer” friends, and Lou for all your supportive emails full of love and best wishes….and you for reading my blog, sending our family love, prayers and support in so many different forms.

Enjoy the season…go eat an apple and pick a pumpkin and I’ll be back next month.

xoxoxoxxo

with love

Janet

PS We'll be heading to Canterbury at 534 15th Ave East, on Tuesday Nov, 10 at 6:30 for a quiz night fund raiser to raise money for Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center...November is Stomach Cancer Awareness Month...let me know if you'd like an official evite with more information.